Didn’t get the couch, but I got a husband instead

If you’re on Facebook I’m sure you know the “Facebook memories” notification you get every day that dredges up old memories. For me, they are usually the things I want to forget. But, every once in a while, they bring up some of the best memories. Today, my memories were some irrelevant college statuses about class, a picture of Mara laying across my face and some photos of my first ever trip to a rock gym. The memory that really made me smile was the one with the rock gym photos. Why? Because that was the night I met my husband. Doesn’t that just give you the warm and fuzzies? Seeing those photos really got me thinking.

On February 20, 2014 I never imagined that I was going to ask a friend for help picking up a couch and end up meeting the love of my life. Romantic, right? Let me tell you the whole story.

At the time, I was living on my own in my little one bedroom apartment in Cranston. I had been single for only a couple of months and was NOT looking for any sort of relationship. I was in my “I give up on men” phase of life again because my recent ex was another idiot. Anyway, I had ordered a new couch for my apartment and asked a friend, Scott, who had a pick-up truck to help me pick it up from the store and bring it home. He had a buddy with a bigger truck so he asked him to help, which thankfully, he agreed to. I was just about to get out of work when I had gotten a call from Big Lots saying that accidentally sold my couch and that if I wanted they could order me a new one, but I could not pick it up that night. I called my friend in a rage and told him to forget it, I didn’t need any help. Unfortunately, the boys were already an exit away from the store on I-95 in the middle of rush hour traffic after driving all the way down from Massachusetts (about 1 hour away without traffic) so his buddy was a bit pissed to say the least. He told Scott that since theyCentral Rock Gym in Worcester, MAdrove all the way down here they were going to pick me up and I was going to go rock climbing with them – whether I liked it or not. I argued for a minute or two until the truck guy got on the phone and told me I had no choice and they would be there soon. I got off the phone thinking the guy was a total asshole. If you haven’t caught on by now that asshole was Josh. I got home, changed into gym clothes and we were on our way back up to Massachusetts for some rock climbing. Scott and I entertained ourselves climbing with each other after a quick lesson from Josh, while the more experienced climbers did their own thing. After a couple hours of climbing we went out and grabbed a drink or two before heading back. Josh dropped off the two guys first before taking me home. It was a long drive back and I still thought Josh was a jerk, but as we talked more I decided he was somewhat bearable. We ended up getting to my apartment and continued talking outside until about 4 am. We had already exchanged numbers earlier in the night, so we continued our conversation over the next couple of days. Once I got a feel for his humor (which is very unconventional and takes time to understand) we got along great. He finally asked me out on our first date, where we went to Friendly’s and had Jim Dandy’s. Any guy that gives me ice cream gets bonus points – but a guy that gives me 5 scoops of ice cream, 3 toppings and bananas wins! It was a couple weeks later that he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. The rest is history.

I think back to that day and never would I have imagined that the rude guy with the weird, twisted humor would one day be my husband. It’s amazing how everything really does happen for a reason. It’s like when your mom says “you’ll thank me later,” well, Big Lots, thank you. Thank you for selling my couch to someone else. As someone who plans her life and tries to calculate her future in spreadsheets and Gantt charts, I’ve finally realized that you can’t. My path has also made me realize that certain people are put in your life for a reason. Without Scott, we never would have met. He was meant to be in both of our lives so that we could find each other. So thank you too, Princess. It’s amazing the way the universe works, huh?

Thank you Facebook for bringing up this memory today. It just makes me remember how grateful I am for the little things that up end being the best things in life.

How Not To Get The Girl

Gentlemen, there are a lot of tips out there on how to get the girl, but what you really should be looking for is how not to get a girl. Articles that tell a guy what to do, rather than what not to do, limits them and makes them just like the other guy who read the same advice. A lot of those lists I read are also tough because every woman is different. We tend to like different things, but 9 times out of 10 we will agree on the few things we hate. Here are my personal list of not to-dos that I know a lot of my lady friends will agree on.

Do not be a better version of yourself on your first date.
It’s all well and good to go out of your way to be a gentlemen on the first date if that is who you are a year and a half later. I met a lot of guys who were total gentlemen on the first date, opening the doors, walking on the outside of the sidewalk and saying all of the things a girl would hope to hear from a potential suitor. What really sucks is wasting my time on the first couple of dates thinking you are one guy, come to find out you’re really a total jackass. The one thing I loved about my boyfriend is he wasn’t on his best behavior when we first met. He was his real, rough around the edges self. The same man he was a year and a half ago is the same man he is today. A gentleman, but a brat. Guys, a girl should love you for who you are anyway so don’t waste either of your time by being on your best behavior.

Do not under-estimate a girl’s knowledge base.
Two of my favorite stories to tell are these. I was chatting with a guy one day and we got on the topic of cars, specifically classic cars. My uncle builds and restores classic cars as a hobby, so I grew up going to his car show BBQs and listening to the guys in the family talk shop about their classic cars. I grew up immersed in American Muscle. My uncle’s sweet spot is the Mustang so of course that’s what I know the most about. I didn’t really say much at that point when the guy decided he was going to brag about his ’61 Mustang. For those of you who don’t know, the first year of the Mustang was ’64. If you really wanted to show off the first year of the Mustang was actually ’64 and a half. Being the sarcastic brat I am I was like “OMG, I would LOVE to see it!” I honestly didn’t have to the heart to tell him he was an idiot, but that was the last time I ever talked to him. My other favorite story, I was working at Victoria’s Secret when two guys came up to the cash wrap to check out. Apparently they were there getting stuff for one of their sisters’ birthdays. One of the guys drops his keys on the counter and decides he’s going to flirt with me. He asked if he could come back and pick me up after work. He said he would take me out now but he was driving his Corvette and being that its only a two seater he had to drop his buddy off first. Stupid him dropped the keys on the counter and at one quick glance I saw a key chain, what looked like two house keys or room keys and one car key. That car key was a Nissan key. Unless NISSAN keys start-up his CHEVY Corvette someone is lying. Unlike the last guy with the ’61 Mustang I decided to call this guy’s bluff. I told him I had never seen a car like that before. He gave me the response I was banking on, “like what?” I told “like the kind of Chevy that starts up with a Nissan key.” His friend starting laughing his ass off and the kid left in a real hurry. So guys, moral of the story here is don’t underestimate a girl’s knowledge. Not all of us are car stupid. If you are going to lie to try to impress us, make sure we don’t know more than you.

Do not grill her like you’re interrogating a terrorist.
I am all about getting to know a person to determine if you’re compatible. I don’t want to spend six months with a person and then find out they are a transgender crack addict with daddy issues and a prison record or something outrageous because we never asked personal questions. There is a line however. I’ve met guys who wanted to know everything that happened over the course of my 24 years on this Earth, when I get my period, my mother’s maiden name, my bank account numbers, how many times I go to the bathroom a day and if I’ve found Jesus all in the first 20 minutes of meeting them. I’m pretty sure Homeland Security isn’t as bad as some of my dates have been. I love when people ask questions about me and show an interest, just please do not go overboard.

Do not drink too much.
Nothing good ever comes from consuming alcohol. It’s a slippery slope of regret. A glass of wine, a mixed drink or a beer or two isn’t going to hurt but more than that might be bad news. Alcohol tends to calm the nerves on a date but too many guys don’t know when to stop. They end up drinking more than the would on any other night and things just take a turn. I met this one guy at a small restaurant turned night club on Friday and Saturday nights. I went with a girlfriend and we met this guy who was really into me. He was a really nice guy and I definitely wanted to see him again. We went back the next weekend and, long story short, he ended up getting into a bar fight all because of drunken stupidity. He also managed to get me in trouble with the guys girlfriend and I had to take care of my own business. I left and never talked to him again. That was that. Too much booze turns into bar fights which turns into losing the girl. I’ve also had guys just get drunk and ramble on for hours and then try to get me in bed. Yea, no. Not cool, not attractive, not how you get the girl.

Do not get too handsy.
Unless you are both going in knowing this date is purely sexual and the end goal of the night for both parties is to get in bed with one another, don’t be overly handsy. Violating your date from the start will not get you anything long-term. I am a very touchy-feely kind of person. I connect with people I am comfortable with by engaging in physical contact. This is both true for romantic connections and platonic ones. I have no problem giving hugs, touching someones arm, putting my arm around someone in an innocent way. Josh is the same way as me and when I met him he was very cognizant of what I was like and how much was acceptable. Where everything starts to go south is when you start putting your hands where they don’t belong or you start touching too much. Until you are in a stable and comfortable place in a relationship do not get too handsy, that won’t get you more. As a girl with a large backside, take it from me – moves like that are more likely to get you punched or slapped way before it gets you a second date. But, if your end game is a fling then by all means do you honey.

As a woman I’m allowed to admit to that fact that females are crazy, but love us and treat us the right way and we are worth it, I promise. If kicked plenty of guys to the curb because of the stupid things they do. Don’t insult a girl’s intelligence or underestimate her, do not pretend to be someone you are not, do not interrogate her like she’s on trial, do not drink too much and do not get overly handsy. If you can handle that you should be fine. No promises on the girl being the one, but I hope these tips will help to make sure you don’t screw it up if she is.

-AB